|
|
|
|
In discussing chemical dependency, we must look at some important factors: denial, co-dependency and enabling. Denial is an integral part of the disease of chemical dependency and is usually the biggest obstacle to recovery. Each of us has defense mechanisms that are used to protect us from unpleasant realities. Generally, defense mechanisms are normal, healthy tools that we use to reduce anxiety and to motivate us to change. Often, individuals are consciously unaware that they are using a defense. Defense mechanisms become unhealthy when they allow the threatening situation to harm the person. Such is the case with someone who has chemical dependency.
What is denial?
Denial is a person's way of coping with a painful situation by refusing to accept it or believe it. It is a common defense mechanism used to shield and protect against something perceived as threatening. By denying the existence of a problem, a person doesn't have to deal with it or assume any responsibility for it. This is done by the mind automatically; the person is usually unaware that he/she is in denial. This is different from lying, where a person is aware of his actions but does not admit it. Someone who is in denial of his/her dependency is unable to see the logical connection between the use and the negative consequences of his/her use.
Denial can lead to use of other defense mechanisms by the alcoholic/addict. The more common defenses used include blaming, minimizing, rationalizing and comparing. Blaming is when an individual blames another for his/her use. For example, one adolescent in treatment stated that it was his mother's fault that he used. This was not because she force-fed him the drugs, but because "she makes me so angry that I have to use." This individual truly believed that it was his mother's fault. He was unable to assume responsibility for his use and its consequences.
Minimizing is used frequently. A person may minimize the amount of alcohol or drugs that he/she consumes or how often he/she uses. For example, a person may say, "I don't use that often," when he/she may be using three or four times per week. This person does not believe that his/her use is excessive because he doesn't use daily, like some of his/her friends. Or an individual may say, "I just had two beers," when he/she means two forty-ounce beers. In this person's world, two forty-ounce beers may not be a lot in comparison to how much his/her friends use.
Rationalizing is a form of making excuses or justifying why something happened. A common example is the person who says, "I drink because I'm under a lot of stress at work," or, "Everybody does it; what's the big deal?" People use comparisons to make themselves look better than others. An example of this is when someone says, "At least I'm not living on the street like a crackhead"--a reference to the myth that all drug addicts are street people.
Do they lie?
Yes. Denial is not an excuse for telling lies. Even though they are often in denial of their substance abuse problem, users will lie to cover up their use. Lying is different than denial, in that the person actually knows he/she isn't telling the truth. Substance abusers will tell lies to avoid consequences and to protect their drug or alcohol use. Usually, their biggest fear is giving up the drug or alcohol. Substance abusers will lie to their friends, family, employers, counselors…everyone! Do not be fooled into believing them. A recovering addict once told me this joke: "How do you know when an alcoholic or addict is lying? His lips are moving!"
We often want to believe what the substance abuser is telling us. Often the user is a friend, employee, or loved one whom we want to trust. It may hurt us to think that the user is betraying our trust by lying to us, but if we don't question what they are telling us, we are enabling them to continue using. Remember the alcoholic or addict is sick. He/she has the disease of chemical dependency. When they lie to us, it is their disease talking. Do not take it personally. As we will discuss later in this book, an individual with chemical dependency is not himself/herself. They often have a changed personality and an altered value system. The only way for the user to get better is to abstain from all alcohol and drugs.
Why do people deny that their loved ones have substance-abuse problems?
Some people may feel totally helpless in dealing with it. They believe that the problem is so complex and of such epidemic proportions that it is beyond the ability to understand and resolve. They may use denial as their way to cope with the problem. People often think, "That only happens to other people, not my family," because no one wants to think that their family isn't perfect. The reality is that chemical dependency can have an impact on anyone.
What is enabling?
Enabling is any action taken by a concerned person that stops or softens the effects of the harmful consequences of substance use upon the user. The enabling behavior is viewed as "helping" behavior that the family, friends, and employer engage in to help the alcoholic/addict. The reality, though, is that the behavior ends up helping the disease instead of the person. It allows the individual to continue drinking or using without suffering consequences. It also sends the message to the alcoholic/addict that it is OK to continue to use because he/she won't experience any negative consequences. The substance user thinks, "Why should I stop using if I'm not having any problems (consequences) from it?" Enablers are reinforcing the user's denial system. Enabling includes overlooking evidence of chemical dependency, accepting the excuse and rationalizations, sympathizing and covering up or protecting the user from the consequences of their behavior. Examples of enabling include the wife who calls her husband off work because of a hangover or the parent who won't call the police concerning his child's criminal activity, but instead decides to handle it within the family. Other examples include: bailing the user out of jail, using drugs or alcohol with them, lending them money, lying or making excuses for them, ignoring the use, or doing their work for them. Keeping the use a secret is a form of enabling.
What is codependency?
Codependency is linked with enabling. The person who is codependent allows the user's behavior to affect him/her, is obsessed with controlling the user's behavior and enables the disease of chemical dependency to continue. Codependency is about controlling others and neglecting oneself. The codependent person "rescues" the user from consequences, may nag or plead with the user to stop, may hide the user's supply, etc. The codependent person attempts to control the user's behavior, rather than allowing the user to experience negative consequences so that he/she will stop and seek treatment on his/her own. This behavior, in turn, leads to feelings of anxiety, worry, pity, guilt, and anger for the co-dependent person.
How does someone know if a person is denying there is a problem?
The tip off is if that person finds it difficult to accept facts as reality. For example, a person says he/she is not using drugs, yet you find the evidence. He/she attempts to rationalize his/her use, or states that whatever you found belongs to a friend. Or, a person may hear a list of the consequences of his abuse and continue to believe there is not a problem. Some catch phrases that might alert you include: "We don't have a problem; our family has been drinking for generations," or "We may have a problem, but it's not as bad as some people's," or "Not my daughter or son," or "It's just a phase that teenagers go through."
How can I tell if my community is denying there is a problem?
Community denial works in much the same way as personal denial. The catch phrases in this instance might be: "It's not a problem here," or "We may have a small problem, but it's not as bad as in other communities," or "The school is at fault," or "The police should be tougher," or "The stress of his job is causing the problem."
What can I do to help with this problem?
Bring everyone together. Unite the community, friends, and family; contact the school, coaches, neighbors, friends, organizations, and business people, and enlist their help. Contact professional and community substance abuse organizations, and seek help from support groups in the community. Discuss the problem, become knowledgeable in understanding the problem and, most of all, work together to solve the problems involved with substance abuse and chemical dependency.
|
|